Unfortunately, your third cousin twice removed’s roommate’s sister’s husband’s thrice removed second cousin’s nephew in-law, Pséftikes Eidíseis, has passed away. As Mr. Eidíseis was quite wealthy, they have left quite the hefty inheritance; inheritance that was initially set to go to Mr. Eidíseis’ sister’s dog’s third born puppy’s owner’s sister’s cat’s seventh born kitten’s father’s owner’s dog. However, due to an incident involving a cat, mouse, Apache attack helicopter, and a clear, misshaped marble; the dog was unable to be found. Due to this, we regret to inform you that you have warrants out for your arrest, the grounds for which include, but are not limited to: theft, impersonation, murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to loiter, and, most heinously, riding without a helmet.
Luckily, however, we believe that we can get you acquitted of all charges if you hire our firm; Respectable Everyday, a Law Firm. We charge a one-time payment of $100,000, please email <énas.pragmatikós.ánthropos@realfirm.com> for details on how to pay this fee. We have so far managed to keep this suit from reaching news reporters, however it’s only a matter of time; if we don’t acquit you soon you and people close to you may end up going to prison for upwards of 50 years.
Énas Pragmatikós Ánthropos
Head Lawyer for R.E.A.L Firm.
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